Notebooks Are For Notes.

Along with my sad attempt at blogging, I also sadly attempt to keep a journal. I love writing, but as you can very well imagine, I am horrible at keeping up with it.

This past Sunday, I was sitting in the service at FBC Belton looking over Mark as the pastor spoke. I had brought my journal along with the original intent to take notes, but for some reason, I just opened it up and started to read. The first entry was from June 15, 2009, and spanned through my entire summer and the beginning of the fall semester. Everything was in there: notes from the services at my hometown church, reminders, prayers, struggles, memories from Spain, German phrases, countdowns to UMHB, some chemistry notes, and even notes from the week that I decided I wanted to be a vegetarian (which didn't last long). But through all that I read, the last entry seemed to rise off the page:

11/10/09

"Ok God. Let's get real. I know you in my head. I know you created the heavens and the earth, I know you sent your son to die for my sins, and I know that apart from you, I can do nothing. There was a time in my life that I knew you in my heart. But that seems like it was a long time ago. I guess in the midst of my frustration I turned away from you and decided to try and fix things on my own. I thought my way was better, faster... and even more productive that your way. I turned to other things in my life to make me happy, because I no longer thought that I could find delight and joy in you. I've been looking for fulfillment everywhere else; trying to justify my actions, comparing myself to everyone else around me. I still wonder why my life seems to be so crazy and even miserable at times. I want to know why my path is so ridden with obstacles when others seem to glide through life without so much as a pebble in their way. I wonder why I have endured so much hardship. But then I remember that even though I have faith, life isn't always going to be smooth. These things are a part of my witness, and without these experiences I wouldn't be the same person. It's so hard sometimes not to wonder. But that aside, God I just pray that you would renew my faith in you, and help me to put ALL of my faith in you, rather than trying to handle things on my own. I am powerless on my own. I pray that you would give me a deep hunger and thirst for all things you. I have been severely lacking in feeding myself spiritually. My spiritual self must be anorexic. I can't remember the last time I prayed sincerely expecting something to happen. I don't even have faith the size of a mustard seed. Lately, I have had almost no faith in you. I came into college with skewed expectations and hopes, wanting things that I don't need. Help me to get my life back in order. God I just pray that you would forgive me for my complete lack of faith in you. Set me on fire again!"

Word for word. That was November 10, 2009, and today it is January 20, 2010. It has been over 2 months since I wrote that, and it already seems like so much has changed. At that point, I was up against a wall; I had nowhere to go but forward. I still pray that I will continue in this direction, and never take a step back.