Passion Fruit

Last night I had a revelation. This is how it happened:

I was doing what I typically do at one in the morning; downloading music. Usually when I'm downloading music at this time, I have no idea what I'm looking for. I just browse my genius selections, or look up new songs from artists I already have. Basically, I'm just filling space on my 30G ipod. I had just hit download on EZ by Pete Yorn, when I thought "Hey! You know what movie had a great soundtrack? Shutter Island!" I then proceeded to browse over the Shutter Island soundtrack, downloading whatever I very well pleased. However, when I got to the song that I wanted most, On the Nature of Daylight by Max Richter, my (unreliable) downloading service failed me. I decided not to let this deter me from listening to this song, so I looked it up on the always reliable YouTube. I knew this song was in Shutter Island, but as I typed it in "on the nature of daylight piano" popped up. When I saw the word "piano" something just snapped in my subconscious, and before I knew what happened, I had clicked on it. From this, I discovered that this song was also used in The Pianist, a movie that had come up in conversation just the other day. I watched some clips of the movie, and then thought to myself "I just really like Adrien Brody. Every movie he's in is SO good!" So I googled him, and found an interview in which the reporter was asking him ridiculous questions about the Oscars. When he received an Oscar for his role in The Pianist, he ran on stage and kissed Halle Berry, who was presenting. (The reporter wanted to know if Adrien would have kissed a man if he was presenting him with his Oscar.) After reading this, I thought "I didn't know that. I want to see this." So it was back to YouTube. I found a clip of this, and after watching it one or five times, I had my revelation.

Now. I know this all sounds unrelated, but let me assure you, IT IS. Only the last part is relevant to what I'm about to say, but you have to admit, that sequence of events is just ridiculous.

Anyway, when I watched Adrien Brody run up on stage and kiss Halle Berry after being presented with his Oscar, I thought "He has such passion for what he does. Why don't I have that passion for things in my life? I WANT that." I may not be an Oscar winning actress, but I can still have passion for the things I do have. Passion for Jesus, passion for my future, passion for my friendships, etc. etc.

So the basic point of this post, if there is one, is that I want to be passionate about life in general. We weren't put on this earth to live half-heartedly.

pas·sion [pash-uh n] : a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything

Notebooks Are For Notes.

Along with my sad attempt at blogging, I also sadly attempt to keep a journal. I love writing, but as you can very well imagine, I am horrible at keeping up with it.

This past Sunday, I was sitting in the service at FBC Belton looking over Mark as the pastor spoke. I had brought my journal along with the original intent to take notes, but for some reason, I just opened it up and started to read. The first entry was from June 15, 2009, and spanned through my entire summer and the beginning of the fall semester. Everything was in there: notes from the services at my hometown church, reminders, prayers, struggles, memories from Spain, German phrases, countdowns to UMHB, some chemistry notes, and even notes from the week that I decided I wanted to be a vegetarian (which didn't last long). But through all that I read, the last entry seemed to rise off the page:

11/10/09

"Ok God. Let's get real. I know you in my head. I know you created the heavens and the earth, I know you sent your son to die for my sins, and I know that apart from you, I can do nothing. There was a time in my life that I knew you in my heart. But that seems like it was a long time ago. I guess in the midst of my frustration I turned away from you and decided to try and fix things on my own. I thought my way was better, faster... and even more productive that your way. I turned to other things in my life to make me happy, because I no longer thought that I could find delight and joy in you. I've been looking for fulfillment everywhere else; trying to justify my actions, comparing myself to everyone else around me. I still wonder why my life seems to be so crazy and even miserable at times. I want to know why my path is so ridden with obstacles when others seem to glide through life without so much as a pebble in their way. I wonder why I have endured so much hardship. But then I remember that even though I have faith, life isn't always going to be smooth. These things are a part of my witness, and without these experiences I wouldn't be the same person. It's so hard sometimes not to wonder. But that aside, God I just pray that you would renew my faith in you, and help me to put ALL of my faith in you, rather than trying to handle things on my own. I am powerless on my own. I pray that you would give me a deep hunger and thirst for all things you. I have been severely lacking in feeding myself spiritually. My spiritual self must be anorexic. I can't remember the last time I prayed sincerely expecting something to happen. I don't even have faith the size of a mustard seed. Lately, I have had almost no faith in you. I came into college with skewed expectations and hopes, wanting things that I don't need. Help me to get my life back in order. God I just pray that you would forgive me for my complete lack of faith in you. Set me on fire again!"

Word for word. That was November 10, 2009, and today it is January 20, 2010. It has been over 2 months since I wrote that, and it already seems like so much has changed. At that point, I was up against a wall; I had nowhere to go but forward. I still pray that I will continue in this direction, and never take a step back.

"Mischief, Mayhem... Soap."

I'm sitting in my normal spot; melting into the couch, fused into the indention of my butt, left there by years of determined sitting. I lean forward just enough to snatch up the remote from the coffee table, and flip on the TV. During the week around noon, the main channels are all playing the same thing: Soap operas. Soap operas, in my opinion, can be categorized into three main groups:

Adult:
Which includes favorites such as All My Children, General Hospital, One Life to Live, As the World Turns,The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, and Guiding Light.

Teenage*:
Programming including One Tree Hill and The O.C.

And bringing up the rear we have... Canadian:
Degrassi.

I'm sure at some point in our lives, we have all watched at least one, if not more of these shows. There was a time that I was nearly addicted to One Tree Hill. Every time it was on, there I was: butt fused to the sofa, eyes locked on the screen. I watched as couples fought and broke up, people were shot, basketball playoff games were won, teenagers got married, grave illness was announced, and divorces became final. This continued for months.

I didn't know why I needed to watch someone else's dramatic life. If someone were watching my life, they would see almost all the elements included your run-of-the-mill soap opera. They would watch intently as couples I know that were dating for years fight and break up, two girls die in a car accident, my friends get married, my mother is diagnosed with a brain tumor, and my parents divorce and remarry. Needless to say, I don't watch One Tree Hill anymore.

That being said, I don't have anything against people that watch soap operas. They're a viable form of entertainment. I think I would like them more if I lived in a quiet suburban home with a two car garage and a white picket fence, with a perfect family and a dog named Spot. Then, perhaps, I would be content watching other people experience things I would never see happen in my lifetime. Too bad Tolar doesn't have suburbs.

"Chad. I have to tell you something. I went to the doctor this afternoon and.... and... you're not the father of my baby!" - Some Random Soap Opera.


* I wanted to say "pubescent" here, but I can't even say that word with a straight face, so therefore I have no business typing it. I'm so mature. But I digest.**

** Yes, I know it's "digress." "Digest" is from Family Guy. I know, I checked. Online.***

*** Hot Rod. Sorry.

Start.

Here are some predictions I have made about this blog:

• No more than 3-5 people will read it.
  

• I will, inevitably, forget to update it for weeks on end.

I apologize to you, the 3-5 people reading this.

Hopefully in the future, I will have something interesting to say. But for now, all I have is this quote from 500 Days of Summer:

"I'm new, so no makin' fun of me." - Zooey Deschanel.

Take it to heart. Please.